What to do with my emotional retard?

Well, me having this new job would mean that I can blog around when my workload is light. In so many ways I’ve been much happier lately – a pretty decent job with prospects of learning a lot (pays well too!), the idea that I’m going to gain my independence soon (provided the job part works out), the always-supportive friends who invites me to hang out more often than I can fit in my schedule, taking a course that could benefit my and I’m actually interested in, and be in a stable relationship. The stars are finally starting to align after a year of struggle with my self -loathe and the lack of direction in my life. But here’s the thing – and I almost feel bad about it – I want more. I look around at the people in my life, and sometimes I feel like I deserve just as much, if not more, for what they have. Namely, my boyfriend.

Trapped behind my door

Growing up in Toronto, the multicultural diversity never made me feel my race would put me in a particular disadvantage. Sure there are some days when I wished I looked different, with more defined features and lush wavy hair. But mostly, I feel my parents are the ones that make me feel shameful to be a Chinese.

Gone and Back

My life’s been bursting with little tidbits of thoughts and feelings for the last while, but I never got around to actually penning it down. I guess I was hoping to sort all of the ideas in my head and then deliver them flawlessly the minute I start typing, but that was probably a very unrealistic assumption. Alas, time has sped right by, and it is again the end of the year. I seem to be in the ever-vicious cycle of developing a sense of identity, of what I want to pursue in life. Back with the same guy I’ve been bawling my eyes about in the previous posts. Oh, the drama I painted, it all seems so childish looking back at what I was thinking just a few months ago. Did I learn anything? I sure hope so, and I believe I did too. But when I try to tell people what I’ve been doing, it sounds like the same old story. Maybe it takes a while to internalize growth before it actually amounts to anything substantially noticeable. Regardless, I’m back on my page, and I will make a better habit of preserving some of my thoughts before they slip away into the past again.

Happy Birthday Shayan

I wish things were different. It’s your birthday but somehow I’ve been looking forward to it for a long time, months ahead. I was going to throw you a surprise party, draw a portrait of Ginger as a memorabilia before you give it away, get you that much needed mp3 player and take you out to a fun day in the sun. And as usual, it never worked out. I guess that’s the feeling of love you never have for me, and are looking for – the joy of doing something special for somebody special.

Life has a tendency of working out for you, and I’m sure you’ll achieve success. So instead of wishing you to achieve your dreams, I wish you the ability to truly appreciate those around you, to feel the warmth of those who care about you, and to never take them for granted. Love you.

Forgetting S.N. (FSN) Travel Series – Prologue

So the title is in imitation to the movie/comedy Forgetting Sarah Marshall, for the similar reason that I hope to forget somebody (with s.n. initials haha) who’s been a prominent and extremely influential part of my life for the last few years. It is with extreme sadness to realize he never loved me or intended to build a future with me. The breakup actually happened a month ago, but I’ve held back on writing anything about it to let the feeling sink in, in hopes of being more introspective when I do write about it as opposed to using this as a venting tool. Truth of the matter is, I don’t feel any different that I felt a few weeks back. Many would say if the feelings aren’t mutual then he’s not worth my time, but obviously there are plenty of good times for me to be holding on so much. Some days I look forward to the future, and I believe the current circumstance is for the better. Some days I get extremely sad and bitter and wonder where did things go wrong or how it ended up the way it did.

Currently I’m travelling with my family on the West Coast, flying in San Francisco and then driving down to Los Angeles, stopping at Gilroy and Monterey along the way. My initial hope for the trip was to take advantage of the change of scenery, do something different, and get my mind off of him. But that’s the funny thing about travelling with family – at least with mine – you can only spend so much time with them before it gets overbearing. My love-hate issues with my parents are worthy of another post, let’s just say that we all have different travel objectives and it’s a fine balance between keeping everybody happy and getting what you want. Regardless, a month after, without my friends by my side and parents driving me crazy at times, there are many moments when I think of him, and the happy memories we shared. I wonder if he misses me, but then again knowing that wouldn’t matter.

Anyway I was intending to write a reminiscing piece about my Mr. S.N. and then do a series of West Coast travel journal, but seeing how he fills my mind constantly, I am going to jot down the things that reminded me of him throughout this trip, and keep these pieces as a closing dedication to this chapter of my life. I am no writer, but setting this objective would allow me to have some kind of closure…

R.I.P. March 8, 2004 – May 24, 2008