What to do with my emotional retard?

Well, me having this new job would mean that I can blog around when my workload is light. In so many ways I’ve been much happier lately – a pretty decent job with prospects of learning a lot (pays well too!), the idea that I’m going to gain my independence soon (provided the job part works out), the always-supportive friends who invites me to hang out more often than I can fit in my schedule, taking a course that could benefit my and I’m actually interested in, and be in a stable relationship. The stars are finally starting to align after a year of struggle with my self -loathe and the lack of direction in my life. But here’s the thing – and I almost feel bad about it – I want more. I look around at the people in my life, and sometimes I feel like I deserve just as much, if not more, for what they have. Namely, my boyfriend.

My target of jealousy being my boyfriend has put me in a really awkward position. He is brilliant, has a strong personality, and despite his sometimes controversial opinions on various topics, luck seems to favour him. I don’t doubt his integrity in being true to himself in anything he does, but he’s living a comfortable lifestyle – we studied the same program but he’s working at the university/academia field and works for about half the time I do making the same amount of money, has moved out for the last few years so he has the freedom to spend his time however he wants, found his passion and and managed to pursue it in his career, and for his lack of studiousness in his research, is continually impressing his supervisors. All those, plus a person who adores and admires him despite all the rocky patches in the past. I sometimes feel angry at myself for being so devoted and considerate of his feelings, even ahead of mine. Mind you, he has been very sweet to me, and increasingly so the last few months. But he is comparatively emotionally insensitive and dead. That or maybe he is too analytical and is incapable of expressing his feelings. While I have witnessed his many excitements over a profound philosophy or discussions about how the mind works, I don’t think I have ever seen him oozing with joy over anything. He is so confident/emotionless that he doesn’t know how jealousy feels like, and I just want him to feel a bit possessive of me sometimes. As much as he is adoring to me, I begin to wonder where we are heading as time lapses on. It’s kind of scary to be thinking of marriage but I can’t possibly continue on if I am unsure of his feelings for me. Does he love me? Is that even the most important factor? These thoughts swirled in my head as I carried my typical but definitely not the most desired schedule of waking up at 6:30am everyday for my 8am-5pm pursuit of making a living. While he wakes up at 9:30am and decides it’s too early and should sleep some more. Sweet dreams indeed.

~ by Timbits on Wednesday, February 25, 2009.