Well, me having this new job would mean that I can blog around when my workload is light. In so many ways I’ve been much happier lately – a pretty decent job with prospects of learning a lot (pays well too!), the idea that I’m going to gain my independence soon (provided the job part works out), the always-supportive friends who invites me to hang out more often than I can fit in my schedule, taking a course that could benefit my and I’m actually interested in, and be in a stable relationship. The stars are finally starting to align after a year of struggle with my self -loathe and the lack of direction in my life. But here’s the thing – and I almost feel bad about it – I want more. I look around at the people in my life, and sometimes I feel like I deserve just as much, if not more, for what they have. Namely, my boyfriend.

My target of jealousy being my boyfriend has put me in a really awkward position. He is brilliant, has a strong personality, and despite his sometimes controversial opinions on various topics, luck seems to favour him. I don’t doubt his integrity in being true to himself in anything he does, but he’s living a comfortable lifestyle – we studied the same program but he’s working at the university/academia field and works for about half the time I do making the same amount of money, has moved out for the last few years so he has the freedom to spend his time however he wants, found his passion and and managed to pursue it in his career, and for his lack of studiousness in his research, is continually impressing his supervisors. All those, plus a person who adores and admires him despite all the rocky patches in the past. I sometimes feel angry at myself for being so devoted and considerate of his feelings, even ahead of mine. Mind you, he has been very sweet to me, and increasingly so the last few months. But he is comparatively emotionally insensitive and dead. That or maybe he is too analytical and is incapable of expressing his feelings. While I have witnessed his many excitements over a profound philosophy or discussions about how the mind works, I don’t think I have ever seen him oozing with joy over anything. He is so confident/emotionless that he doesn’t know how jealousy feels like, and I just want him to feel a bit possessive of me sometimes. As much as he is adoring to me, I begin to wonder where we are heading as time lapses on. It’s kind of scary to be thinking of marriage but I can’t possibly continue on if I am unsure of his feelings for me. Does he love me? Is that even the most important factor? These thoughts swirled in my head as I carried my typical but definitely not the most desired schedule of waking up at 6:30am everyday for my 8am-5pm pursuit of making a living. While he wakes up at 9:30am and decides it’s too early and should sleep some more. Sweet dreams indeed.

Growing up in Toronto, the multicultural diversity never made me feel my race would put me in a particular disadvantage. Sure there are some days when I wished I looked different, with more defined features and lush wavy hair. But mostly, I feel my parents are the ones that make me feel shameful to be a Chinese.

I have a love/hate relationship with my parents. The love part is obvious, they’re my parents, raised me and always try to provide the best for me etc etc. Which makes the hating part all the more painful. Immigrating from Hong Kong, they grew up in a different cultural period, working hard most of their lives to finally reach the upper echelon of the middle class. They believe hard work got them to where they’re at, so they try to be very materially supportive to their children so they wouldn’t have to go through the threshold of blue collar to white collar, which led to extreme unnecessary protectiveness, and an unwillingness to let go of their children.

I came to Canada when I was 10, so essentially I grew up in a very much different time period and cultural background than my parents. At 24, it boggles me to no end that my parents would still try to make me come home at 12 like I’m on a high school curfew. At first, when I was younger, I would try to comply because I’ve always felt a pang of guilt of the sacrifice my parents made for me. I hardly go clubbing and mostly stay out just to have fun conversations with friends, and it’s a constant struggle to have my parents understand that this is just how young people socialize in my generation. It’s an embarrassment to have to rush home right around 12 like Cinderella (and a lot less romantic too) because “my parents make me”. And then my parents would take offense and wonder why I like to stay out as opposed to staying at home. The ironic part is that their treatment of how I handle my personal life is what makes me hate staying at home. I couldn’t really invite friends over so I end up hanging out at theirs. I’ve never come home hurt or disgustingly drunk, so I really don’t understand their claim of being worried even when I give them advanced notice that I’ll be running home late.

Just last night, my dad called me at 1am yelling at me that I’m wasting my life away – because I’m still out and not home. Hello? I really don’t see the connection here, I went out rock climbing and was just having conversations over a bite. It’s a double edged sword when my parents call me at night, if I pick up the phone, I would face the inevitable nagging of my whereabouts and to get home asap. If I ignore their calls, they would just persist calling and I would have to face their disgruntled yelling when I get home. I tried to explain to my dad that this is MY lifestyle, and he accused me that I don’t want my parents to care about me. To “care” and to “control” are two very different concepts in my mind, but they seem to hold similar meaning in their perspective.

Anyway this is turning into a full fledged rant, and I really can go on and on about this, but the point is, I’m overly frustrated at my parents’ over protectiveness, their relentless attempt to control my life in false claims that it’s for my own good. What they failed to understand, or recall, is that the joy in living is not in material goods but how meaningful the human interactions are. By having me locked up at home, I’m within their supervision and they would probably feel they I would be safe, but I would also lose out on connecting with people in my generation. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that my parents don’t let me out ever, but they frown upon social activities at night, and would prefer my hanging out with friends at a lower frequency than I would like to have (like, going out every weekend is too much for them). And to top it off, my parents are in denial that I am frustrated with them, because every time they would yell at me for coming home late, they would act like nothing happened the next day. I would harbour all these frustration and anger, and they would simply act like everything is fine, wiping away all the mean words they said to me the night before. Maybe I’m being over sensitive, but that is an outright refusal to deal with my emotions, and a future attempt to make everything seem superficially all right. So here I am, on a slightly snowy Saturday night, staying at home the whole day to step away from further conflict and avoided making plans for the night so I won’t get in trouble again, wondering, and wondering, when the hell will I get a job so I can move out and leave my jail cell.

My life’s been bursting with little tidbits of thoughts and feelings for the last while, but I never got around to actually penning it down. I guess I was hoping to sort all of the ideas in my head and then deliver them flawlessly the minute I start typing, but that was probably a very unrealistic assumption. Alas, time has sped right by, and it is again the end of the year. I seem to be in the ever-vicious cycle of developing a sense of identity, of what I want to pursue in life. Back with the same guy I’ve been bawling my eyes about in the previous posts. Oh, the drama I painted, it all seems so childish looking back at what I was thinking just a few months ago. Did I learn anything? I sure hope so, and I believe I did too. But when I try to tell people what I’ve been doing, it sounds like the same old story. Maybe it takes a while to internalize growth before it actually amounts to anything substantially noticeable. Regardless, I’m back on my page, and I will make a better habit of preserving some of my thoughts before they slip away into the past again.

I wish things were different. It’s your birthday but somehow I’ve been looking forward to it for a long time, months ahead. I was going to throw you a surprise party, draw a portrait of Ginger as a memorabilia before you give it away, get you that much needed mp3 player and take you out to a fun day in the sun. And as usual, it never worked out. I guess that’s the feeling of love you never have for me, and are looking for – the joy of doing something special for somebody special.

Life has a tendency of working out for you, and I’m sure you’ll achieve success. So instead of wishing you to achieve your dreams, I wish you the ability to truly appreciate those around you, to feel the warmth of those who care about you, and to never take them for granted. Love you.

So the title is in imitation to the movie/comedy Forgetting Sarah Marshall, for the similar reason that I hope to forget somebody (with s.n. initials haha) who’s been a prominent and extremely influential part of my life for the last few years. It is with extreme sadness to realize he never loved me or intended to build a future with me. The breakup actually happened a month ago, but I’ve held back on writing anything about it to let the feeling sink in, in hopes of being more introspective when I do write about it as opposed to using this as a venting tool. Truth of the matter is, I don’t feel any different that I felt a few weeks back. Many would say if the feelings aren’t mutual then he’s not worth my time, but obviously there are plenty of good times for me to be holding on so much. Some days I look forward to the future, and I believe the current circumstance is for the better. Some days I get extremely sad and bitter and wonder where did things go wrong or how it ended up the way it did.

Currently I’m travelling with my family on the West Coast, flying in San Francisco and then driving down to Los Angeles, stopping at Gilroy and Monterey along the way. My initial hope for the trip was to take advantage of the change of scenery, do something different, and get my mind off of him. But that’s the funny thing about travelling with family – at least with mine – you can only spend so much time with them before it gets overbearing. My love-hate issues with my parents are worthy of another post, let’s just say that we all have different travel objectives and it’s a fine balance between keeping everybody happy and getting what you want. Regardless, a month after, without my friends by my side and parents driving me crazy at times, there are many moments when I think of him, and the happy memories we shared. I wonder if he misses me, but then again knowing that wouldn’t matter.

Anyway I was intending to write a reminiscing piece about my Mr. S.N. and then do a series of West Coast travel journal, but seeing how he fills my mind constantly, I am going to jot down the things that reminded me of him throughout this trip, and keep these pieces as a closing dedication to this chapter of my life. I am no writer, but setting this objective would allow me to have some kind of closure…

R.I.P. March 8, 2004 – May 24, 2008

There is this boy. He thinks I’m such awesome non-typical open minded fabulous girl and showers me a lot of attention. It is all so flattering but he pays too much attention to me that I find it overwhelming. I hinted to him that it’s not working out, because as much as he wants me to be part of his life, I want nothing of his. We have different mindsets, different personalities; he see our similarities, I see our differences. He didn’t give up, everyday he would either ask me to hang out, write for his newspaper, this, that. I had to be blunt and tell him to give me some space. Yet today, he sent me an email wishing me a happy valentine’s day.

There is this boy. He thinks I’m the oddest mix of a cool kid and a geek. We share the same pursuit to jump out of our educational backgrounds into the business world. Career-wisely he offers great advice, and is mild mannered in his delivery that it adds a touch of wisdom in his explanations. But beyond that there is not much passion – mind you he is a well rounded guy, but maybe I’m just a bit wilder that he seems plain in comparison. This week he asked me for a valentine’s wine-tasting date.

This is this boy. I really don’t know what he thinks of me, even after knowing him for several years. Or maybe because I care so much more about what he thinks of me that there isn’t a conclusive description. We grew together in the last few years, through break ups and make ups, from music to art to sports to board games – we shared our hobbies. He challenges me and pushes me to brave on things I thought I couldn’t do. This is the one I love, but he doesn’t believed in holidays. We didn’t celebrate valentine’s days, nor christmas, nor anything, ever. I cried to him today because as much as I understand his views, and like to think I am less superficial than most, there’s such a social pressure to do something special with your loved one on this day, and I felt silly turning down the first two boys. He said why does valentine’s day have to be on February 14th? We could have a special day of doing all the fun stuff we want, and make our own valentine’s day. Well that’s his promise to me, we’ll see about that

As management styles evolved from an authoritative method to a team-oriented approach, having effective interpersonal skills has almost become a bare-minimum requirement to most types of work. Similarly, how we interact and understand other people can have quite an impact on life, from daily interactions with your coffee shop barrister, to sustaining a friendship or relationship.

Effective communications does not always have to involve words and speech; we learned to communicate non-verbally almost from the cradle. For example, we are extremely sensitive to the signals people make when they are in conversation with one another. There are precise rules about when we make eye contacts, how we time our responses to one another, how much distance we keep between each other, the signals which show that one person has finished speaking and it is now the other person’s turn to speak…and so on. These are completely unconscious rules and we hardly notice them, but we certainly find it disturbing if we are talking with someone who doesn’t conform to them. There are people who do not comply with these rules for one reason or another and they tend to be rather socially isolated because of their lack of social contact, which naturally resulted because most people would tend to avoid conversations that make them feel uncomfortable.

Equally important are listening skills and interpreting body language. As I mentioned in a previous post, as much as we think listening is an obvious and straightforward process, most of us are pretty poor listeners. We tend to hear what we expect others to say instead of what they actually said, which is rather different sometimes. Likewise, our body language unconsciously give away a lot of information about ourselves that cannot be disguised in words which indicate our emotional state or how we feel about something. For example,

• Crossing of the arms across the chest generally indicate putting up an unconscious barrier between oneself and others. If the situation is confrontational, it shows the the person is expressing opposition, especially if the person is leaning away from the speaker. On the other hand if the scenario is amicable, it can mean that the person is really pondering the issues being discussed.
• Though often a misleading gesture because we were taught from an early age to make eye contact when speaking, consistent eye contact can show positivity in the conversation. So vice versa, lack of eye contact generally signifies negativity, or if eye contact is made but mixed with crossing the arms, it demonstrates something is bothering the person.
• Similarly, averted gaze, touching the ear or scratching the chin can indicate disbelief. The attention of the person wanders when the eyes stare away from the speaker.
• Tilting the head to one side, or the eyes aimed towards the speaker but unfocused are signs of boredom.

These are some examples that are generally followed in the Western world, since body language varies between different cultures. Invariably, there is an equation derived from experiments dealing with communications of feelings and attitudes (i.e. like-dislike) called the Mehrabian’s Rule. Mehrabian found in his studies that there are 3 main elements in any face-to-face communication, the 3 V’s,

1. words (Verbal)
2. tone of voice (Vocal)
3. body language (Visual)

These 3 elements account differently towards how much we like the person we’re conversing with, 7% for words, 38% for tone of voice, and 55% for body language, thus the 7%-38%-55% Rule in which Total Liking = 7% Verbal Liking + 38% Vocal Liking + 55% Facial Liking. These 3 parts work to support each other in a message, and in the case where there is discrepancy between two of the elements, the receiver of the message might become irritated because he is receiving different cues that is pointing at different directions. For instance,

• Verbal: I am comfortable with you.
• Non-verbal: crossing of the arms, fiddling in the seat, averted gaze etc.

In cases as such, the listener will probably trust the more dominant forms of communication, which are non verbal. Note that this percentage rule applies only when there is ambiguity in the situation where there is an disproportionate influence of tone of voice and body language. This rule is specific to face-to-face communication of feelings and attitudes, because after all if words are only worth 7% of communication, it would take away the purpose of learning languages and everybody would just make sounds and gestures to “talk”.

This rambling about the subliminal ways we communicate can be tied be tied in with how we interact in the dating scene as well. People are innately curious, and although it is encouraged to be honest and sharing in relationships, oftentimes it can be a bad idea to reveal everything about yourself. Firstly it takes away the mysteriousness and excitement to find out more about the other person, secondly as the idiom goes when one talks too much it is more likely to make a mountain out of a molehill (exaggerating a problem). This description of the interaction between the sexes is just the tip of the iceberg; it certainly is another art form in itself to understand what attracts our attention and what repulses it. Although some may argue that such analysis of the interaction make attractions and relationship superficial, insincere and like a game, ultimately the purpose of such is to create opportunities so that we can learn to interact better to increase our chances at understanding each other.

The title is copied from a Christmas song I “learned” a long time ago. The learned are in quotations because I sang the song when I was in the choir in grade 5, and since that was before I came to Canada I never paid attention to the lyrics then. I just somehow managed to remember the title and vaguely the melody. A google search for the lyrics of the song:

Christmas isn’t Christmas
Till it happens in your heart
Somewhere deep inside you
Is where Christmas really starts

So give your heart to people
You’ll discover when you do
That it’s Christmas, really Christmas for you!

And that brings me back to the title. The argument that Christmas has become an excuse for excessive consumerism is as flooded as the pack of people in the malls and the variety of ads I see throughout the city. That’s right, I’m saying too many people are complaining that Christmas shouldn’t be just about gifts and the material goods. Not that I disagree, but it seems like a fad just to say things like that and then submerge right back into the sea of shoppers.

Christmas time these days stir up a lot of emotions for me. Brought up in a Catholic family, I’ve always loved the season because it just oozes such warm fuzzy feeling, with the obvious perks of gifts and amazing food. Since my change of thoughts about institutionalized religion (which is just this past year really), I still harbour a lot of these similar feelings, but now I feel I can objectively observe how people behave during this season. It occurred to me that even the people who criticized about the consumerist tendencies fall in the trap of thinking about this only during the seasons. Shouldn’t we be giving to others at all times of the year? Maybe it is our human nature that we get too caught up in our lives and always forget about the bigger picture. And all this begs the question then, is the purpose of holidays to remind everybody what we should be doing always – if not then what are we celebrating? Look at Valentine’s day, Mother’s/Father’s day, Family day (will be in Ontario in 2008!)…they all seem to act as a reminder of what truly matters in life, but we often let it slip as soon as the 24hour occasion is over. What does that tell us? I have no idea but I understand that our civilizations created special occasions to bring people together, either as a distraction from other issues or to create bonds. I’m not sure which category Christmas fall into, but the big winners of the seasons are always and probably will be the companies that remind us that this is the season to give.

This should not come as a surprise, but merely a reminder – if we want to command the respect we feel we deserve from others, we have to show the same amount of respect to them.

I am writing this because too often we hear but do not listen. Not that I felt disrespected recently in any way, but just a bit of observations from things around my life. My mom made a long distance phone call to relay a message from my dad (which doesn’t really make sense already since my dad could just tell me that himself, but whatever) but forgot what the message was. It turned out she had to call my dad again to ask what the message was, and then called me again afterwards just to pass the word (again, my dad could’ve just called me himself…). That was what sparked my observations. It got me to think how often we talk for the sake of talking, and hardly listen to what we’re saying to each other. It seems like we have a natural desire to express how we feel whenever the chance to communicate arises. This is something I learned in sociology, that we have a tendency to pull a conversation towards something that relates to us personally. It is a constant conversation power struggle, and it happens quite innocently, unbeknownst to the parties involved:

“Man I’m so excited, I got the tickets to the next Raptor’s game!”
“Cool man, what seats do you have?”
“Ohh it’s not close to the front at all, but it’s the upper bowl center and it’s right at the front of the section so nobody’s gonna be blocking me!”
“That’s cool, I remember that time when I had front platinum seats last season, it’s like I could smell Bosh’s sweat!”
“Oh wow you were right up front eh! I’m looking forward to this game, we’re playing against Boston Celtics – Garnett, Pierce, Allen are gonna be great to watch!”
“Yeah I remember when they made the big trade for Kevin Garnett, I was gonna buy the Celtics season tickets then!”

…and so on, the point is, in the exchanges of words, both parties tried to pull the conversation towards them (notice the “I’s” used in response to the other person’s comment), and if you pay attention, you’ll be surprised how often this occurs.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what I just illustrated, I just wanted to demonstrate that for the majority of us, we’re pretty poor listeners. And knowing your weakness is important in order for us to improve as a person. Imagine exchanging comments with your colleagues, managers, superiors in the work scene, and if you listen to what you’re saying to each other, or “listen” to other’s body language, how much more of an advantage you could be in when building rapport, because let’s face it, it’s always more about connections than abilities.

Anyway I just want to share my two cents and remind everybody the importance of listening. And at the end of the day, you can be proud that you tried some effective communication, even though it might not be well reciprocated.

Whenever you read any job description, it always requires the applicants to have Leadership and Management skills in the Qualification and Skills section. It is not very often you get to see the kind of heroes in movies who risk it all to save the planet in our everyday lives, but then again, it would be unfair to say we lack influential leaders in our world today. So surely leadership is an important trait to have, but what exactly does it mean? That is the theme of the first ever Toronto Leadership Forum (TLF) – to shed some light in this almost overused term by inviting seasoned professionals from various industries to share some of their practices and stories in their careers.

Six speakers with different job titles brought in their ideas that are crucial to leadership in this conference , from comparing management styles, discussing how to adapt to change in work environment, identifying positive/negative traits in admired leaders, to planning your role as a leader etc. Through their presentations and discussions, the idea of what qualities a leader should possess started to mold, and it was learned that many characteristics are two-fold, as any quality pushed to the extreme would yield a negative effect, to which knowing when to draw the line becomes the challenge. However it was evident that although everybody had a different definition of the term leadership, the need of passion and perseverance for their cause are undeniable. Because there are no clear-cut formula to become a successful leader, not all the opinions expressed by the speakers were agreed. There were moments in the conference when delegates challenged the speakers’ viewpoints, or questioned the validity of their opinions – to which were welcomed by the speakers because it showed interest and thought on the topics, and non-conformity to anything thrown to the delegates.

Despite the various backgrounds of these speakers, they all shared a common history of changing their career paths in pursuit of a field they enjoyed and played to their strengths. The transition to their new found career paths were often difficult, and it was unfortunate that it was the chatting during the breaks between presentations that you learned of their struggles and decisions they made that led to their success. These to me, were greater lessons than knowing the difference between “breaking” and “whispering” because sharing the experiences created an engagement in the conversation, and it was in the hardships you understood the lessons learned.

This was the first TLF ever conducted, and the team behind this conference was five engineering students who juggled between school studies, interviewing for jobs, participating other clubs, and coordinating this event. From arranging the venue to inviting speakers, these students truly exemplified their leadership skills by taking on the responsibility of organizing this forum, in hopes of making the concept of leadership an easier term to grasp. Oftentimes in the engineering studies, the technical knowledge has become such a focus that other skills are overlooked. The TLF provided an excellent opportunity to bridge these gaps and remind students that a wholesome development is one of the keys to success.

Ta-da! Graduated today, and boy was it a mix of feelings. I felt very much alone amongst the huge group of people who’re graduating today, all of whom I am foreign to. I tried hard to be excited for the occasion and smile despite it all, but here and there I had to fight back tears when I imagined how it would’ve been like if I was with my friends, or in a warmer, sunnier weather, or at least to receive a few congratulatory calls and texts. I thought I put the guilt and disappointment behind but they surely crept up on me tonight.

All in all, I was extremely grateful for my family. I know that oftentimes my parents drive me up the walls, but I couldn’t ask for any more support. They were truly happy for me and brought me the best to celebrate the event – from dressing to dining to flowering etc, which actually added more guilt on me. I wondered how it would’ve been like if the circumstances were different, maybe they were being nice to not hurt my feeling, and maybe they could’ve been happier. I understand that there is not much I can change, but I harbour too many bitterness that I’ve yet to let go of. My sister and her boyfriend took times out of their busy school schedules to celebrate with me as well, even donning the photographer duty. It made me reflect what really was my accomplishment, sure I finished my university studies, but I don’t recall any particular suffering or struggle in terms of school, at least not in a way that was uncalled for. I really think my family accomplished more tonight, they took my excuses of being busy with school so I didn’t have to help out with chores, put up with my attitude in times of frustration, and moreover, loved me unconditionally. It should’ve been a pleasant day for me, but I hardly feel pleasant about myself…

As I was sitting in the pew to pay my homage to the weekly Sunday services, I suddenly became angry that I was sitting there in the first place. I am, as briefly as I can describe it, a non-believing practicing Catholic. It was never about being too lazy to go to church, or just easier to not believe in anything – in fact it was a long and difficult path to come to terms with my lack of faith, and certainly with my upbringings, easier to believe in the religion – but I remain dutiful in going to church every week, not because I feel it makes a difference in my life, but for the sake of my parents. My parents both adopted the religion in their youth even though they were raised in non-Catholic families, and I suppose that has strengthen their beliefs. So for me to say “I don’t believe in religion” is equivalent to abandoning God’s grace in their eyes, and they are worried that I would not have a place to turn to in my time of need and despair because I don’t believe le God is with me always. I go to the church with my family every weekend not to give them hope that I will turn back to God’s open arms, I go because I want them to realize that I value my time with my family and how they view me as a person should not change because I choose not to believe in this religion. It is a continuous struggle because I think my parents are in denial of how I feel, that I am just “misguided” right now, and if I open my heart and pray, God would come flowing back to me.

And that ties back to why I was sitting in the pew, angry. I am not even going to get into why and how I have chose to not believe in God, as least as portrayed in Christianity, or why and how I have chose to turn against this institutionalized religion, those are topics worth another few lengthy posts on their own. I just want to go on a rant that I was angry because Christians try to explain anything unexplainable in the name of God. To the faithfuls I understand that God is the creator and the reason for all things to happen, but it just does not make sense to somebody with a shred of doubt, or to anybody who values reasoning and logic. It is all too conveniently cyclical, like the priest in the homily said today “Some of us question God’s existence……we just have to trust God’s presence.” What a convenient way to keep Christians and atheists alike in line! If you pray to God and your wish/desire/worry is answered, God takes all the credit. If your prayer appears unanswered, we’re told to not see God as a bank to cash in our on devotion time and that he has a plan for us all even if we don’t see it. We are supposed to ask “What have we done for God” instead. And if you do not believe in God, well I am telling you God exists because he said so!

I am sure I would be thrown into a madhouse if I ever proclaim that this pink rhino that is sitting next to me is the sole reason for my existence, and although I cannot see it, nor feel, touch, hear, smell or sense in any way, it is there with me always to support me whenever I am in need. And if my friend asks “where’s the pink rhino, I don’t see any” I would insist that the rhino is indeed sitting next to me, because it said so – that sounds pretty schizophrenic doesn’t it? Of course there are incidents where people’s wishes are fulfilled, but there are just as many, if not more, of prayers unanswered. I remember all too clearly that when I was a child I used to pray whenever I felt uncertain about some test results, that I would get a good mark in them. And sometimes I did alright, sometimes not. When I perform poorly, I was told not to look to God for something that was my fault, since I did not prepare for the test accordingly. But when I received a great mark, I was supposed to thank God for looking out for me and blessing me with the intelligence to do well. I think somewhere down the road, I concluded that this is all a game of probability. There are obvious factors that contribute to certain successes, but when in doubt, it’s a random draw from statistics of how likely something will bend to your will. Why we have to throw God in to explain the unknown I cannot understand. Who created God then? Oh, well you are not supposed to question God’s existence, because he was, is and will be. The God tagline has made it acceptable to believe, even though it does not answer anything. And there I sit, told to believe because I’m supposed to, as if I’m in a debate and am told to accept the opponent’s argument just because it’s right, with no supporting evidence nor proof.

So I’m obviously droning on about this whole nonsense, mainly because all this Christian explanation is conflicting my sense of reason. But looking back, I was once close minded to just blindly accept the religion as is because I was told so. Perhaps we human race just generally have that mentality of following what the masses do. Again as I mentioned earlier on there’s many aspect of religion that I was to discuss, but my point in this post was my frustration with religion’s inability to reasonably justifies itself through a non religious perspective, because the skeptics will not be converted through explanations that they don’t believe in in the first place. No doubt religion has made a positive impact on many people’s lives, and kept the hope alive through tough times, but if religion really is about attaining the eventual goal of being closer to God, then it should be strong enough to stand through time and prove others wrong. Judging by how religion is preached, especially in the evangelistic types, it seems more like beliefs are shoved down our throats and we behave a certain way only because of our fear of being punished. And if there’s anything I learned recently, the fear of suffering is worst than the suffering itself.

So I was looking for ways to not work at work by checking all my email accounts, which includes my hotmail account, which redirects me to the msn homepage when I logged out of hotmail. The first thing I saw was this article “Maine middle school to offer birth control”, and an instant “wtf” popped in my head, and intrigued me to see if it was just a catchy title that didn’t literally mean what the title suggested.

Seriously, I cannot even begin to wrap my head around the justification of all this from the school committee, who voted 7-2 to the measure. Do they think they’re being “forward thinking” by offering these options to kids? Firstly, they are for kids between the age of 11-13, so 2/3 of the population in this middle school aren’t even teenagers yet and instead of worrying about the dwindling public education system in the United States, school officials decided preventing unwanted pregnancies is the top priority that the schools should act on. Isn’t the legal age to have sex is 14 years old? So isn’t providing contraceptives admitting that the legal age limit is useless?

I am all for providing contraceptive options – coming from a Catholic high school, I am pretty aware that we can’t count on the “good” teachings of abstinence. But wait, I did mention high school. What the hell are kids sexing around at 11 years old? Shouldn’t they be out on the fields enjoying the sun or playing in the snow? When stats are coming in that “Five of the 134 students who visited King’s health center during the 2006-07 school year reported having sexual intercourse” you would think the school would be a tad bit more concerned about boosting information in sex education class, or to see if the kids are really having sex instead of what they think is sex. But no no no, let’s just say that parents can’t always protect their children and the school has to step up to make sure they’re no accidental births.

Other than the obvious potentiality of messing up these girls’ hormones (so only the girls are getting messed up…hmm…), because they’re taking pills (which are hormones) during their puberty – not because of “the risk of cancer” un-educated nonsense, the problem with providing the pill or patch is that it downplays the awareness of sexually transmitted diseases or the responsibility of practicing safe sex. The pill only serves the purpose of birth control, it does nothing against any STD’s. By introducing the pill/patch as a contraceptive,are misleading to kids that the pill/patch would suffice to safe sex. They could be if it was a steady partner, but there isn’t any evident effort from the school’s part to make that kind of distinction. And need I say more they are kids? I do not mean it as if I undermine the intelligence of the young’ns, but allowing them to obtain the pills/patch this relatively easy is discouraging them to speak to the more experienced (doesn’t have to be parents) about sex.

Moreover, this new measure from the school board overlooks the emotional readiness of these middle schoolers. Just because they are physically mature enough to have sex does not mean they are emotionally ready. With the ever presence of peer pressure, sex could become a new fad like trying out cigarettes or drinking. While the latter ones could damage your health, being pressure into sex could leave emotional scars and affect your outlooks in many things. With the constant desire to fit in among young teenagers, being pressured into sex is not such an impossibility that should not be of concern.

In essence, I am not opposing to the idea of providing contraceptives, be it 13 years old, 11 years old, 5 years old, whatever. I am all for some happy and safe sex. The issue I have with all this is that I feel the school board seems to have their priorities misaligned. The purpose of a school is to educate, to create awareness of the good and the bad, and to teach the future adults to be responsible of their actions. Allowing girls to easily obtain pills and patches is like giving fruits to a farmer everyday instead of giving him seesd, or like that proverb “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime”. Let’s hope the school can serve its purpose by enriching the young’s minds, not simply teaching the do’s and don’ts.

i was stalling to take my top off, hoping he wouldn’t notice

he said are you serious? you’ve the nicest body i’ve ever seen

the smoothest skin; and your hair smells amazing too

his sweet words were what i was longing for

so i obliged. we held close and kissed and sweated

he asked you want to stay here tonight? and i got scared

scared that i would have to admit i was with a stranger

that i didn’t feel anything, inside and out

i said goodbye, let’s play music sometime

and never heard from him again

Every birthday I get a bit of that birthday blues. I try to organize some parties, and most of the time I get the “sorry I can’t make it” etc type of response. Obviously that’s to be expected, we all have those few close friends and then there are the “friends” you just don’t expect to ever hang out with too much. But I’m horrible with accepting rejection, and I’m a hypocrite. I expect people to plan their day around me, and I hope for the kind of surprises I want. Secretly I set up so much in my expectations that it always hurt when things fall through. But then again, when have I gone out of my way to do anything for anybody? I can honestly say there has only been one person, maybe two at most. And I must say the things I did were pretty out of my way, and I certainly put a lot of thought into it. Was the effort reciprocated? I don’t know, I don’t think so, but the act of doing something special for somebody special was too flattering and romantic in itself that I didn’t mind. That is probably the very essence of “doing something for somebody” that I crave. To take out some of your personal time and willingly give it to somebody you think that’s worth the time, but not really expecting something in return. To me, that’s a unique bonding experience (obviously that exclude crushes or some stalkerish behaviour), because we are usually pretty greedy with our time. Anyway I’m totally deviating from my original idea which I’ve lost, and am rambling about something else altogether… must be the hangover…

in the meantime, Bon anniversaire Keekz!

I hate my sporadic-ness in adding new posts. Been cooking up some stuff in my head, but I am having such a hard time to sort out all my feelings and thoughts that nothing has seem to come into fruition. I hate being a whiner also, but life’s a bitch lately. My 30hr/wk part time job sucked the energy out of me because I actually work nonstop during my shift, and for the last week, my first meal of the day is during dinner because we’ve been too busy to have lunches. The second good thing about this job, next to getting paid, is that during that 6 hours I forget to be angry and upset about my personal life. Albeit totally grateful for the friends I have, sometimes I feel like I’m continuously doing things just for the sake of staying busy. A lot of times it’s things I’m actually interested in, but I long for the kind of company whom I can just sprawl on a couch and talk and listen to music. I hate pretending that I’m satisfied, that I know what I’m doing in life, being initiative of my future. I have no fucking clue what I’m doing nor what I’m planning to do, and I’m just too stubborn to choose anything and stick with it. And yet I keep this frustration to myself (and to whoever reading this I guess…) because pretending and staying busy is my only game of survival

In my futile attempt to try to post as often as I can, instead of counting on my limited stretch of creativity, let us discuss about this iGoogle thing.

I’m not sure how popular iGoogle is as of now, since I am not really a tech junkie, but it is definitely worth mentioning. It is basically a customizable homepage, where you can add various widgets for quick access or daily information, such as daily weather updates, quick links to wikipedia, news, joke/word/quote of the day. You can categorizes all these under different tabs, and the handy thing is you can have a calendar of events (Google Calendar) and to do list on there. For people like me who is on the computer a lot, I find this extremely handy, it’s much more convenient than writing in an agenda because everything is ooh so accessible. You would need a gmail account, but who doesn’t these days? Anyway check it out (google iGoogle), good helpful neat stuff!

Ohh and since I got the iGoogle idea from Mr. Peace, who mentioned about being tagged to google pictures of his name, I thought I would pretend I was tagged to play that game even though I wasn’t:

Amazingly enough, the first picture that came up when I typed “Kiki Cheung” is something that actually relates to me! My team won this “competition” in my class where we were supposed to predict what the failure load for this reinforced concrete beam was.

I wasn’t in the picture, but my name got tagged along with the story, which can be referred to here.

Cool stuff

No, this is not a debate about the superiority of the left/right hand, nor about violin fiddling. This, my friends, is a random blurp about my thoughts on second hand possessions.

I was brought up in a upper middle class family. My parents tried to supplied my sister and I all the material possessions that they lacked in their childhood. Nothing too lavish like a kid-size BMW, but I had my fair share of toys and stuff animals growing up, and even though sometimes they would say no when we whine about getting the Barbie dollhouse (ooh yes I had a Barbie phase…), my parents did their best to provide what we wanted within reasonable ranges. Naturally with that attitude and their financial ability, I never came across any second hand goods. This is especially evident as I am the eldest child in my dad’s family, and the cousins that are close to my age on my mom’s side are boys, that I did not have to suffer the hand-me-down syndrome. I didn’t always get the things I wanted, and a lot of times I had to share things with my little sister, so I wasn’t spoiled rotten. But I did have the luxury of owning an assortment of things that I didn’t have to pay for.

I have definitely owned some used items throughout my life, but my first memory of my deliberately acquiring second hand goods was actually rather recent, a year or so ago when I discovered Craigslist. A friend mentioned that that’s where she sold her furniture when she was preparing to move out of country last summer, and one day I curiously decided to check out what the site has to offer. This is not an advertisement for craigslist, but I became fascinated with the multi-facet of things/services it provides. My friend was moving into his own place for the first time, and I became engrossed looking for all sorts of cheap small appliances for him, even picking up a few for him. $10 for an electric beater, $50 for a whole set of full size food processor, and all sorts of random little good deals. I obsessively tried to find the best deal, and even bought my bike through there eventually. It was sort of like finding lost treasures amongst a sea of junks, and I enjoyed my friend’s companion in my pursuit. Anyway I’ve come to admire that the my possessions have a history, have served a different purpose in times passed, and its age added beauty in my eyes. Certainly it adds a bit more character to my taste and personality.

But today I realized I have been a second hand object, and I don’t feel the beauty that I saw in my used items. I guess second-hand beauty only lies in non-living things, because I was crushed to know that I am only ever going to play the back up role, the come-to-me-only-because-you’re-bored understudy role. All of my self pride and self worth is flushed down the drain. I was never treated like new, always considered second rated. It was effortless to have me, I’m not even worth the game and the tricks. Time filler, is what I do best. Second hands have the stigma of being more replaceable, because it wasn’t acquired full price, and didn’t have the gleam and shine seen on new things. And that’s exactly how I feel – replaceable, cheap, and dirty.

I jotted down the date and time as the title of this post because I want to keep a record, one way or another, of my first ever bike accident.

What happened was that I was trying to make this green light, and the van was trying to make a right turn. By the time the van made a right signal, I was almost paralleled with it, and thinking that if he didn’t check his blind spot as he turned he would very likely run me over, I tried to make a right turn with him. I was coming downhill and had built quite a momentum, and because I decided to make a turn in quick haste, my front wheel hit the van and I got knocked off my bike, and thus the accident.

It was a rather traumatizing event, I recall the bike toppling over me, but fortunately, there was not any serious injury other than some scratches and bruises. Being rather shaken up, I thought my day would be ruined, since my wheel got warped and must take the bike to the shop. Instead, I was shown the kindness of humanity, as the driver took me to the bike shop, and while there the mechanics were very sympathetic and even suggested me to go to used bike shops to find the wheel parts to reduce my repair cost. I ended up at another bike shop, where the owner dug through a pile of wheels and tires to find my matching size, and I had the wheel installed for free! The mechanic bought me a lemonade to chat and afterward my fantastic friend treated me to an espresso brownie to cheer me up. Other than the lack of productivity and the actual accident, I have been thrust with sweet gestures today. It was truly like that saying “In every cloud there’s a silver lining”.

I suppose I should have wrote “playah”, but the thought of that sends shivers down my spine…the title is in reference to the term “Don’t hate the player, hate the game”

It is with utmost sadness to learn that my friend…my ex-best friend, ex-lover, ex-whatever-describes-our-previous-relationship, has decided to venture in the realm of becoming a player. Player as in a womanizer, a seducer, being manipulative in achieving one’s objective, namely attracting women’s attention. I must admit it is partially due to my attachment to him, but listening to him talking about scientifically experimenting his social interactions with other people, particularly women, had made me really uncomfortable, and made me wonder where I fit it amongst all this.

I understand that as a male, you do not want to be that guy that is always the friend to all the ladies, and just place it on hope that one day they would realize that you are the nice one who has been patiently waiting all along. If a change of personality and approach is what it takes to place him on a more dominant position – even if all his female friends share the sense of lost that they’ve lost the nice boy to be the womanizer – it would be a risk any guy would gladly take if it pushes his chances with women beyond the friendship level. To many extent, I agree that one should not leave love and lust to chance, especially when chance does not look out for you. We choose the clothes we wear and the food we eat, choose the professions we want to pursue and purchase the objects we desire, yet for something that is so heavily valued in our lives, we choose to leave love to chance. Reality has taught me that love is not magical, it is not godsend, it does not just somehow bloom between two people, but at the same time, I find it difficult to accept that by improving one’s “game” it would lead to love.  I believe there are great differences in the methods of achieving a successful, equal, relationship versus increasing the likelihood of having one night stands, and the way my friend was going about it, it seemed to address the latter.

But irregardless of the intent, I felt strange that I was thrown into the position of a confidante. On one side I appreciate that he confides such personal thoughts with me and seeks my opinion on the topic, but the other side of me is brutally hurt that he was sharing this with me. Why would you tell your ex about how you are planning to reinvent yourself to increase your likelihood of attracting women’s attention? I suppose it was due to his lack of emotional involvement to me all along, but it certainly puts a dent to my self esteem to hear him wanting to learn how to win other women over, when I loved him for his intelligence, integrity, charm, personality…all of that without any of this game of cat and mouse. Moreover, he is becoming more and more of the man I want to be with, being articulated in his knowledge, arts, fashion, hobbies, sexuality, physique, all the qualities that any girl would desire in the opposite sex. And ironically, of all the women in the world, I have “attained” the position of just friends with him, the last one he wants or needs to impress, and the last one he wants to be with.

He justified that his revelation for a change in character was because he was tired of being the nice guy that always finishes last, but I think he overlooked that… I’m the nice girl that has finished last in this little game.

I came across this article a while ago about euthanasia. The article details a mother’s experience as she watched her daughter took her life. In as much of a nutshell as I can fit it in, Carol, 50, has been suffering Multiple Sclerosis for the last 7 years, and realized her health is quickly degrading after recovering from a stroke. Amongst other tragedies in life (outliving two of her three children) Carol was determined to commit suicide to end her suffering, before she was too physically and mentally incapacitated to be deemed unfit to make the decision to end her life. She signed up at Dignitas, a Swiss group that performs legalized euthanasia and meticulously prepared her death, arranging flights to Zurich from UK, preparing gifts and cards for her family after her death. Her mother Kathleen recounts that it was difficult to support Carol’s decision, but it was her choice of life and while it was too much to bear for her husband and her father, Kathleen wanted to be there to accompany her daughter for her last journey in life. There are more details of how the suicide was committed in the article.

I am a proponent (well I do not have a heavy political stance, but I definitely do not condemn it) of mercy killing, especially under circumstances of long suffering with no chances of recovery. I think human beings should have the freedom to do whatever he wants, so long as it does not add burden or damage the society and does not hurt other people purposely (as some who might argue why murder/rape is deemed wrong – it is acting against somebody’s will, thus a damage to society). It is similar to people drinking alcohol or doing drugs – most people are rather aware of the consequences of its consumption, but choose to do them anyway, and I think it’s acceptable so long as it does not interfere his life and those around him negatively. In fact, I think it’s human nature to do detrimental things to ourselves, from eating spicy food (chillies evolved to be hot and spicy to increase the chances of having this particular type of bird eating them, as it is the only kind capable of spreading its seeds) to enjoying the thrills of bungee jumping. The difference between eating chillies and committing suicide is that the latter is not reversible, it’s a one time deal. I’m not sure about the statistics, but I understand that sometimes people commit suicide under brash decision and a depressive state of mind. A lot of times they don’t really want to die but rather are looking for an escape of problems. In that case, as much as I believe in the freedom of choice, I can’t really say I approve suicide/mercy killing (though I still wouldn’t say it’s a crime) because I feel that it’s like throwing in the towel before you put up the fight. However, for terminally ill patients, death is imminent and the suffering of physical deterioration is all the more to bear, so under sound mind and thorough consideration, I think euthanasia is an alternative, possibly a better one, for them.

Of course, there is the worry that euthanasia opens the doors to possible abuse and an affront to the sanctity of life. But one has to realize that is the price we have to pay for freedom. Freedom has always been susceptible to abuse, however it has not stopped people from pursuing it. Eating a lot of fast foods may cause severe health problems, which in turn burdened the public health system, but it has not been banned because it is detrimental to the society. As bizarre as it is that there are people who sued and blamed fast food chains for providing unhealthy food that lead to the demise of their health, I think most would agree that it is within the people’s choice to eat these fast food, and they certainly are not the only available choice of consumption. Likewise, just because there are chances that legalizing euthanasia might cause abuse to the system shouldn’t be reason to disallow people to die peacefully. As harsh as it sounds, terminally ill patients are basically just counting their numbered days of living, adding weight to a health system that is already insufficient, while at the same time not offering them an alternative of dignified death. People are so overwhelmed with the idea of death, yet there are tons of innocent deaths inflicted everyday due to wars, conflicts, diseases, poverty. Why are we so concerned with outlawing the possibility of terminally ill people dying with dignity, and not doing enough to help the people who do not want to die?

A bittersweet dream, I remember pretty clearly how I feel in the dream, so it wasn’t just a recount of what happened, but how I felt:

The raindrops against my window has woken me up around 7, but I would not give up on my sleep. So slowly I drifted into unconsciousness and I started having this dream. My family were rushing to make it to the university, and then afterwards there were these shuttles that transported my classmates to somewhere else. I was late already and my dad was caught up taking photos of me that I lost my mom and sister. Anyway I remember being rather embarrassed that my dad was on the same shuttle with me even though it was only meant for the students. I remembered seeing Lindsay on the previous shuttle that was leaving so I was relieved that at least I was going in the right direction. We arrived to this hall that looked like it was built by the same developers as the ones for my condo and by the time I arrived most people were inside. I was greeted and given a sticker to identify my name. And as I opened the door, I saw people I know, I saw Shayan and Dave just sitting down, and then all of a sudden, it struck me, that I was not supposed to convocating and I wondered why they gave me a sticker and told me to get in. I didn’t want my family to be embarrassed that I wouldn’t be called up to receive my degree and managed to find my dad to remind that I wasn’t supposed to be there. Then I was wondering why my name would be on the list to begin with, so I found some admin people and asked them to verify. They said yes I will be convocating because I had a couple investors’ support. And I was puzzled, because I did not know any investors or know of being sponsored. The lady pulled up my profile (in a folder not on computer) and on one of the form said a lady named Carolyn Hutchin (something along those lines) said I was a hard worker and that she appreciated that I always smiled a lot. I have no idea who this lady was but I was elated to know the news, but couldn’t find my family nor my class. There was a lot of searching around, and a lot of time missed on the ceremony, but I managed to find everybody in the end and got on with the program. Then I just kinda slowly woke up, the raining has stopped and the sun is out.

Some random trivia I came across that caught my eye:

· The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

· On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

· Chocolate affects a dog’s heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

· Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

· Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

· Upper and lower case letters are named ‘upper’ and ‘lower’ because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the ‘upper case’ letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, ‘lower case’ letters.

· There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

· The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded “Wendy” before!

· A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

· If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
· By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand

· The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

· Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

· The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law,which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

So what do you think? Any surprises in these “facts”? The reason I put quotation marks on them is because I’m not sure they’re indeed facts but I’m just taking the site’s word.

Van Hunt – Hidden Charms

It was this song that drew me to Van Hunt’s music. I remembered a few years back, before Youtube’s was popular, I used to watch music videos on Yahoo! Launch. I forgot what music video I was watching, but one of the links led to Van Hunt’s acoustic version of Hidden Charms, and I was captivated. His acoustic version is even better than this ep version I posted here (apparently it’s Yahoo exclusive, I can’t download the video anywhere else but the video widget on the sidebar connects to it!!)

Anyway I’m not totally sure why I was drawn to Van Hunt, he isn’t the best singer or performer, he doesn’t have a particularly powerful voice, but I very much enjoyed his singing style. It felt like he was sharing his love and life experience with me, and in this song, he was encouraging his girl to find her inner beauty, her hidden charms, and it just swooned me. My other favourites include “What Can I Say” and “Precious”, it reminded me of some happy times singing along with it. I actually forgot about his music for the last year until I downloaded (aye to piracy haha) his new album recently. The music is less neo-soul and a little bit more funky, but he remained true to his style. It is a surprise to me that he hasn’t become famous yet, he’s got a lot more talent and looks than some of the popular stars these day, I guess that’s the power of marketing and packaging. Though I wonder, if his music would still have the same quality if he was more mainstream…

Happy belated Solstice! It’s going to be all downhill from here! It is so easy to get used to having longer daylight hours when the weather is great and you just want to be out all day…

Sympathy…implies a degree of equal feeling, that is, the sympathiser views the matter similarly to how the person themselves does. It thus implies concern, or care or a wish to alleviate negative feelings others are experiencing.

Pity is an emotion that almost always results from an encounter with a real or perceived unfortunate, injured, or pathetic creature. Because pity will often result in the pitier aiding the pitied, some people equate pity with sympathy and assume, therefore, that pity is naturally a positive thing. However, the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche believed that pity causes an otherwise normal person to feel his or her own suffering in an inappropriately intense, alienated way…meaning that it is important for the pitier not to allow him/herself to feel superior to the pitied, lest such a power imbalance result in the pitied retaliating against the help being offered.

The Wikipedia definition of sympathy and pity underlines how I feel about these two terms. People often think they are synonymous and are too eager to offer “help” but overlook what the person really needs. Most of the time when shit happens, I’m not really looking for pity. In fact, I hate people treating me like a charity box. Like what the hell, do I seem desperate enough now that I’ll settle for any attention I can get? If you never really cared before and now you’re only being concerned because you feel bad – well sorry, I don’t need that kind of help and I certainly don’t intend to make you feel more superior about yourself. I despise those who only ask “how are you” when they know something is down, it’s their intent to remind themselves, and everybody else, that they have a sweet sweet life. Stupid lousy people.

I’ve been behind in the writing lately, relatives visiting and all that stuff have kept me busy. The crappy thing is I’ve been having all these topics to write about, yet the inconvenience has forced these ideas to slip by, I’m not as successful with keeping my thoughts as Mister Peace is. Anyway I hate to be talking about too much personal stuff on here, mainly it doesn’t make a very entertaining read, but there’s something about sharing your life to strangers. I think it’s the objectiveness in their comments (if I get any back) and the ease of mind of not worrying what they really think of you. So allow me to indulge in something that’s been clenching my heart for the last bit of while…

This post actually don’t have anything relating to romance, it’s just my futile attempt to vent out my frustration. In less then 8 hours, my class will be convoking for their degree of Bachelor of Applied Science commencement. And it kills me every little bit inside that I can’t be there. I screwed up and I am not qualified to be there. I am regretful that I messed up right at the end where it counts and I am bitter that it has to happen to me. Sure, I’m kind of lazy in school, and I’m not the brightest one in class, but I am definitely not the worst and I don’t feel very deserving of this end. My friends tried to be encouraging and tell me that this incident doesn’t change how others see me as a person, but to me, it makes a difference. It shows my incompetence in my academic studies, and my lack of control in my feelings because I let them ride me to failure.

The worst of all is that I’ve been ridden with embarrassment and guilt. It’s doubly difficult to care my heart when externally I’m pressed with all this guilt. My grandmother and uncle, the relatives who’re visiting from overseas, planned their trip to Toronto to attend my convocation and it breaks my heart to have to tell them that it couldn’t happen. And I was so confident to tell them 5 months ago that they’ll be there to witness it. I also messed up my mom’s trip this November because my commencement would now be in November and she wanted to visit her mother to celebrate her birthday that month and it’s a toss up of what’s going to happen now when my mom should be planning her trip. I can’t apply for new grad jobs because I haven’t graduated and I don’t feel justified to ask my parents to sponsor me to a grad trip. I couldn’t do summer internships because I didn’t think I was going to need to and so I missed the deadlines to apply and I have to stay in Toronto for the summer class, which also limits me out of full time summer job. My parents see me as a disappointment and as much as they deny that they pressure me, which they don’t verbally but cleverly do so in other ways, are making me very much aware that they think I don’t plan about my future at all, inconsiderate, have horrible work ethics, and make poor decisions.

What they didn’t realize was that I’ve attempted to be considerate to spare them the bad news and the shame, and my work ethics is fully flexed considering the lengths and measures I’ve tried to achieve my ends. They say if you want something bad enough, you can make it happen. Well I wanted to commence bad enough that I’ve basically tried every possible ways to see myself commencing on June 21. For a few weeks, I’ve been trying to speak to professors, program coordinator of various departments, apply to earlier summer courses in other universities etc to make it happen, but all met with different reasons of rejection, as if I have “Reject” stamped on my forehead. I made phone calls and email and meetings like I am working a full time job. So clearly the “work hard enough and anything can happen” has not been the case for me.

Now I understand that not convoking in June is not really that big a deal, this is just one of the many obstacles I’ll endure throughout life and it’ll just be a little dent in the scheme of my years. Families will forgive and forget and 20 years into working, nobody would even care if I have a degree or not. And I can honestly see the good in this whole series of events, because it has force me to really evaluate what I want in my career and life, and take a road less taken which could be more rewarding in the future. But I hate that I won’t be sharing the joy of achieving a huge milestone with my friends, whom I had class with everyday for the last four years, and bidding a farewell and hanging out one last time as we will all part ways for our own endeavors very soon. I am a sociable person and it just blows I can’t be there, that’s a huge miss-out. It really eats me up and has been for the last month and so, and the couple weeks following convocation would be hard to bear because I’m pretty damn sure everybody would be posting their pictures. The problem is that as much as my mind can rationalize my guilt and purpose in all of this, emotionally I just couldn’t cope and the stress keeps killing my confidence and makes me doubt myself. I have recurring dreams of being ditched and replaced, like a piece of garbage…and it’s a shame to have to live with that kind of mindset. I understand  it’s the journey and not the end that matters, but these days it would be really appreciated if I can at least catch a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, just to instill a bit of hope in all the crappiness.

The soreness I have to wake up with in the morning…

One of the feelings one has to deal with when no longer in a relationship is trust. I don’t think I’ve ever have problems with trust that the guy might be seeing other women or not being loyal – I mean why shouldn’t you distrust your loved one? -but it’s another thing when the relationship is over. Surely being single allows you to date whomever you want, and you are most definitely not obligated to tell your ex about it, but it’s always an uneasy feeling to know he’s seeing other people, albeit it could be platonic, and not telling you about it. I thought there was some kind of a “grace” period when you’re trying to heal and be okay with being alone, and out of respectfulness not jump on anyone of the opposite sex who shows you attention, but I guess that period has passed for him already. It is very hurtful because while I struggle with lingering feelings still, everything from the last few years has quickly whittled down to nothingness for him. Makes you wonder how much it meant all along. And even with all that, I thought one of the criteria of being “friends” entail some level of openness and honesty, so to lie and say you’re doing something else altogether is just rude.

Enough about the personal crap. You never reap what you sow in relationships, or in life for that matter. Of course, some would claim that is not necessarily the case all the time, like for a simple example if you study hard enough, you’ll perform well academically in school. What I don’t like about that kind of thinking is the probability involved. A more realistic analysis is, if you study hard, you’re more likely to do well in school, just as in reverse, if you don’t study, you don’t necessarily failed by default (there are geniuses out there!), although the probability of that increased. Nothing is absolute in this world, and things certainly do not occurred solely based on cause and effect. Heh, this made me think of quantum mechanics somehow. It sounds passive, but sometimes having your life mapped out doesn’t make you more prepared and successful than the person who’s just going with the flow. There’s always a curve ball, and even if you have Plan B up to Plan Z in anticipation of various outcomes, the best you can do when it hits unexpectedly is to realize you’ve done the best you could to brace yourself. Ahh, the stupid itch on my mosquito bite is distracting me…anyway I guess my loose, general point to this whole post is that I’m feelig pissy and angry at all the unfairness in the world, but c’est la vie.

Just woke up, so I’m lacking the creative juice to a better title. It is most uncomfortable to wake up to unwanted dreams – can you call that nightmare? It’s not scary or anything

Insecurity really gets exemplified in the dreams – all this chasing around, and not communicating the thoughts and feelings (I know, what kinda dream is that?) are so damn unpleasant :S

Have you ever want something to happen just the way you pictured it that it becomes somewhat of a reality in itself?

I keep having this recurring semi-dream/vision/whatever-it-is of how I would make my grand finale, to exit with a bang. Okay that doesn’t sound like it makes much sense, but it did when I was kind of waking up from my dream and still hazy enough to not be fully awake. The content of the dream isn’t really worth discussing, just that it has been like this for the past week. Anyway we’ll see how things play out.

I thought it would be interesting to open more variety of topics here, and since food is one of my biggest passions, I’m starting a new Food category where I’ll talk about restaurants and anything food related stuff from time to time.This is always a troubling time of the night for me (1:20am). I am starting to get hungry because dinner is mostly digested, but at the same time I don’t feel like stuffing my face with snacks. So I take that hunger into imagining food that I wish I can have right now, and right now I feel like oysters, and the thought of oysters always brings me to Rodney’s.

Rodney’s offer the best variety of oysters in the city, being the supplier to other seafood joints like Oyster Boy. The reason why I love raw oysters so much is because of their succulent, fresh, ocean taste. The health perks of oysters are that they are rich in zinc, iodine, vitamin A, and calcium, and are also quite low in calories.You can really taste the difference in the oysters between different origins. I personally prefer the Pacific coast flavours as the oysters from there are usually rich in flavour and creamier in texture. Kimmomoto serves as the true (and possibly the only lol) example of “good things come in small packages” in that they come in the smallest size I’ve ever seen in oysters, but has such a harmony of flavours and freshness. Washington state’s oysters are probably my second favourite location of oyster origin. I’ve only had the opportunity to try Imperial Eagle once, but the intensity of its creaminess is rather unforgettable. On top of oysters, the lobsters offered at Rodney’s are quite amazing as well. You can truly taste the lobster as it is simply broiled and served with a side of melted butter. And being Chinese, there’s no way I will miss out on the delicacy of the tomalley and coral part of the lobster. The challenge comes in that there are not many places where you can order a 3.5lb lobster, and not not fall in the trap of overcooking the meat on the outside due to its large size, so I was quite impressed.

All in all, Rodney’s is definitely my favourite seafood restaurant, and as odd as it sounds, it has one of the best coffee I’ve ever tried. We were sitting at the bar one time because the house was packed, and the oyster shuckler had this amazing smelling coffee that we had to order one to try it ourselves. My parents were wowed by the flavours that they managed to get a bag of the grinded coffee from the waiter. My dad found out later that it is imported from Seattle when he wanted to buy some, unfortunately they only sell in wholesale quantity …

I saw this on my friend’s website, and it is too funny that I just had to post it here. This is an educational film in the 70’s where the mom walked in on her son masturbating and how she responded to it.

For the last month I had a countdown of the alphabets on the messenger, deleting letters one by one each day starting from letter z. When inquired about its purpose, I told everybody that it was just for fun, something silly I came up with that had no particular meaning.

The truth of the matter is that I was at the most unhappiest point of my life earlier on this month. I fell into a deep abyss and as much as I knew I have friends who would support me through, I felt very much alone. I was frustrated in every aspect of my life, with family, career goals, my emotional world, sexuality….everything. In reality, nothing tragic or unjust occurred, but the outcomes of a series of events had robbed my confidence and sent me into a guilt-filled state of mind where I beat myself down for being responsible for the outcomes.

Anyway that went about for a couple weeks, and one day I decided that feeling that way does not and will not change anything. I allotted myself 26days, approximately a month, to pick myself up from the mess I got into, and so I took a letter away everyday to remind myself not to dwell into sorrow and wallow through my life aimlessly.

And now, on the last day of the month – I can’t say I’m feeling at the top of my game right now, but the fact that I seeked help was reassuring that I had the desire to do something about my situation. The only unfortunate thing is that I can’t share all this with my parents, they just thought I’ve been lazy, acting without planning and foresight, and didn’t really understand my struggle. But I am thankful for the few (privileged) friends who stood by without complaint, and thought the better of me despite everything. So perhaps “sacrificing” a letter a day to “worship” the alphabet gods did get them watching out for me, sending great friends along the way to keep me company .

Oh WordPress is awesome! There is good variability in modifying my page even though all the stuff I’m using right now is from a template heh. I think I’m gonna be hooked and will be posting regularly this time around…

Old stuff imported, more stuff coming in soon!

After many futile attempts to import my old posts, I’m throwing in the towel – for now – and finally writing a post.

With this being the first post, I’ll try to start off on a positive note. I think doing the first “right” is an obsession that many people share – the first time will always be that definitive event that we will always remember, being the make or break as to how we’ll interpret future similar events. Whether it be the emphasis we place in witnessing a baby’s first tooth, first step, first word, to recounting your first crush, first kiss, first love…and so on, we generally don’t forget these moments in our lives. The firsts are always remembered because it opens up a whole new world for us to experience, exploring a realm that was previously unknown. In turn, we build up so much expectation for the first (think first date, first performance etc) to be perfect, memorable, special, that we forget the first is only a sign of many that will follow, when our repeated exposure hone our experience. The truly special events will always shine through in the myriad of memories that we’ll build throughout our lives. So on that note, I hope I’ll have plenty of goodies to share on the blog, and not get judged based on this first one!

Lots have happened since I last wrote, especially with hitting all the low points in life, that I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe it’s for the best, the unhappy memories aren’t forgotten but you can’t keep dwelling on the past. I really pushed myself to the point of insanity, I don’t think I’ve ever felt as depressed, frustrated, hopeless, lost, alone, regretful, guilty, and all the negative feelings as ever. What an intense feeling of unhappiness! At least I take comfort in being aware of my state and not having to rely on medications when I hit the point of no return.

I will add more to this later I think.

For two nights in a row, Ursapan made a guest appearnace.

Ursapan is Shy’s long lost best friend, and they somehow got reunited. She is also a lesbian. Kind of look like Kerluk but much kinder. I thought Ursapan’s name was Ursula, she is lovely to me…but the fact remains that she “stole” Shy away from me, even though we aren’t talking to each other at that point. The three of us went for a boating trip one time and she picked up the pieces that are needed to keep the boat stable as they were floating away. The heroic event cemented her and Shy’s friendship. Then somehow people are starting to discover the Ursapan is a lesbian, and they judged and made fun of her. I started making new friends. Everybody is invited to this Christmas lunch thing organized by the faculty, and as I was eating my chilli and chatting with these faculty members, Ursapan walked in and everybody teased her. Shy was defending her and I watched on, in a corner, not sure what to do.

And then I woke up. I woke up at 7:30am two days in a row because the uncertainty and the feeling of replacement shook me. To have a better idea of what I was talking about:

Kerluk – “evil” student councilor in my faculty discipline
Shy – Mr. Ex
Ursapan – a character made up by my subconscious, I don’t even know anybody resembling her other than that I was the one who was once Shy’s BFF

I think it’s somewhat clear that the dream exposed my feeling of replacement. I was the best friend. And this is a fear that is carried out during the day. I keep remembering myself saying “I understand all this, and it has to be done, but it’s hard for me because I know nothing will be the same again”. And it has changed already, whether it was in my dreams or in real life, that I’ve lost my right hand man, my bona fide confidente.

Days seem to go by so slowly sometimes. I’ve been busy trying to pack my schedule it seems like I did all the socializing of a month’s worth. Although the company of friends are great, I crave most to just snuggle up with a loved one and watch some video clips and movies, and just enjoy the night comfortably. But it’s clear to me that spending time alone isn’t the greatest idea, crazy thoughts run through me and it sinks me in a deeper sulk, here are some random thoughts that’s been hitting me:

1) as much as this is most definitely a quick flash of thought, I’ve wondered how it would be like to just kill myself and end it. I haven’t thought about the methods too much since it was a fleeting thought, it’s mostly the effects of doing that I’m intrigued by. Sometimes I wonder if killing myself would bring certain regrets in people’s lives. That seems like a sweet revenge to those who took me for granted. Then I remember doing so would also make me lose the respect of those who care about me, that I’m being exactly the kind of person they don’t want to be associated with. So suicide is indeed a quick-fix.

2) then I ponder how the society would be like if we are all equal in opportunities and have the same rights. I haven’t thought about it too much but I can’t even begin to really fathom that. Of course I just don’t think it’s possible at all. There will always be injustice as long as there’re differences in opinions. But without differences in opinions, it wouldn’t be an interesting world to live in. It’s just a fancy thought that I idealize would work in favour of my life at this point.

3) if I can be just like BlackMumba and be a crazy assassin. All the thrill, excitement, danger that embodies in that profession appeals to me – not realisitically, but worth fantasizing about. If there’s something I don’t like – just kill it and then keep moving along. It’s the no consequence, no regret attitude that I would like to have. There’s too many hold-backs in the real world..

So I just realized as I’m writing this that all the thoughts above are the ones I haven’t really totally think through. Perhaps they’re too unrealistic to think about seriously? Maybe I’ll re-visit them after something that directly pertains to me more…

Anyway that’s it for now, being inactive really hurts sometimes, so it’s a cue for me to get moving. Gonna start looking for a new home for my journals soon, there isn’t a good variety of people on this one.

Every morning and every night before bed is when I’m most vulnerable. I think of you and revive all the sweet things we’ve done. I long to dream of you so we can be reunited in another world. I miss lying in bed with you – it’s always led to the best sleep I’ve ever had. I wish I could’ve tell you how much I love you. Yes, love, you asked what I think of it but I was too afraid to share the feelings. And though I’m not certain of what it means, it brings out all the joy and passion I can possibly feel.

I know I shouldn’t, and I can’t keep thinking of and for you, because things will stay just the same – stale. But I fantasizes the day you’ll come back and say “you’re the one, my royal flush”. And somehow that’s what keeping me going right now, to be a better person so that when we ever reunite, you’ll see how great a woman I am. I see through all my irrational thinking, I understand the grander picture, I see all the intentions are for our best interests in life, but in the midst of all, I felt like I’ve been chopped up into many little pieces, and I can never be whole again.

All the gold in all the world
Is nothing to possess
If all the things that it can bring
Cant add up to one ounce of your happiness

And for your love
I would do anything
Just to see the smile upon your face
For your love
I would go anywhere
Just you tell me and Ill be right there

I went to a fantastic restaurant tonight. It had all the fancy food that I like to eat from time to time: fois gras, lobster bisque, etc all that fancy service and presentation. It was a 6 course meal. I ate probably 1 dish + dessert and threw up/out the rest. The best food in the world means nothing to me right now. Nothing at all.

autumn has undeniably arrived. despite the silly cold i got, i rather enjoy the fall season. firstly the cold i have is relatively mild, mild enough that i’m reminded i have a cold only a few times each day (that’s a detailed description eh), and secondly the breezy weather makes wandering around downtown so much more enjoyable – the stench of the city isn’t as intensified and you don’t sweat from walking from one street to the next. sure summer is nice, the sun caressing the body and kissing the face, but it’s the eye-candy season and just generally lack a bit of substance over time. maybe it’s because everybody’s busy with school that the eye-candy part died down a little hehe.

on another Prince reference, i wish i was the Most Beautiful Girl in the World.

i really don’t want to come across as an uptight person, in fact i sincerely believe i am not at all, it’s due to circumstances that i have to pretty much stick to a schedule or compromise with others. i don’t want to compromise, i, like most people, am selfish. it is the human nature. but then it’s also semi-obligatory for me to be thoughtful and nice because that’s my personality as well. it is tiring to be considerate, and i think i am pretty damn considerate. too much that it’s overwhelming my selfish nature. a lot of times people don’t really appreciate the considerate-ness because it is pretty unnecessary that i go the extra mile. then i dig a deeper hole for myself thinking that because of my excessful thoughtfulness, that nobody would ever do the same thing for me and i feel even more silly. and then i’m confused and worried how my friends see me, because i believe a person that’s way too nice is bordering on annoying, and i don’t know if i crossed that line. i try to tone that down with sarcasm and weird comments but still, i get insecure and worried who my real friends are. i should be wise enough to tell, but life plays funny games and you start second guessing…

hah, this whole piece end up reading like i’ve been cheated and i am not-so-subtly talking about my qualities and i’ve shitty friends. anyway i guess it’s just a small aspect of life i was talking about that ticks me a little. i do have lots of wonderful people in my life, and i adore them dearly to my heart. maybe i’m getting old and paranoid, but sometimes, everybody just needs a little re-assurance that they’re special and have meant something in your life.

i JUST came across a comment on my cousin’s blog that “one can never be too good to somebody else”. i thought it’s a weird thing to say initially, but after some thought, i almost have to agree with her. in this day and time, it’s impossible to be wholeheartedly sincere and nice to somebody and not be taken advantaged of. people always make fun of the guy who wears his heart on the sleeve, and then we go and wonder where did all the good people go…
i guess it takes too much effort to be so great to people all the time, but it sure is easy to crush someone’s spirit and turn them into a meanie.

on another note, the best things in life are pretty much free. forget getting the latest gear or the trendiest stuff – as much as i like them, my fondest memories have nothing to do with any of these material things. it is never “that time when i bought an expensive bag” or “when i got my new laptop”. i guess it’s pretty much like that rogers world cup commercial – “no matter where you’re at, the best times are when you’re with your friends”.

Welcome to Sunday morning, March 6th, 2005, 10:31am. Weather condition is 2°C, though it feels like -5°C. I got up early once again even though the sky is hazy and cloudy. argh… I’m seriously leaking… As unpredictable as the future holds, a lot of times we’ve a good idea of what’s to happen in a short period of time, like if you were doing poorly in a course, you know there’s quite a good chance of you failing it. Yet despite this foreseeing-the-near-future power, when the actual event occur, we never act according to how we decided to act when we found out about the inevitable outcome some time ago. There’re certain things I know that’re bound to happen – and I’ve thought about it too many times – and how I would act when it actually takes place. But who am I kidding? It’ll still be a blow to my head, I’ll still be as surprised as if I didn’t see it coming. Our human brain is a marvelous thing, it allows you to have a glimpse of what’s to happen in the near future based on the current situation of events, and at the same time cushions your emotions in a way that when the foresaw outcome actually occur, it’s as if you never knew! It’s like it knows having the mental preperation kills the purpose of living – pursue of life in the unknown future. Okay, so sometimes we see it coming and we prepare a reaction that will not be too dramatic, but deep down we’ll still feel every little of that raw emotion. For me, anyways. So here I am, once again delaying my time and fooling myself, in a happy way This song describes it well:

What a diff’rence a day makes
Twenty-four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers
Where there used to be rain
My yesterday was blue, dear
Today I’m part of you, dear
My lonely nights are through, dear
Since you said you were mine

What a diff’rence a day makes
There’s a rainbow before me
Skies above can’t be stormy
Since that moment of bliss, that thrilling kiss
It’s heaven when you Find romance on your menu
What a diff’rence a day makes
And the difference is you

Ughh, I’m absolutely disgusted. How can anybody be this oblivious? It’s more than hurt, it’s anger now. Forget the embarrassment and humiliation, it’s the part where my existence is forgotten that pierced through my heart the most. And the saddest thing is that I know I’ll forgive over and over again. I deserve better.

Happy Valentine’s Day. To me, it’s not a day about showering each other with gifts and making up for all the screw ups in the past year. It’s more like having a “official” day that acknowledge each other’s presence and the impact you’ve made in each other’s lives. Sure a litte gift always spice things up, but spending quality time together tops all. I’ve all these ideals and expectations of what I want in my life, yet as good as I am shelling out advices, I’m an absolute failure in expressing how I really feel to those I care about. If only you’ld know what I’m thinking, the tears I’ve cried over my frustration of feeling ignored and unconcerned…. Too many times expectations are dramatized by movies, but mine is just oh-so-simple. All I want is someone to hug me tight and makes me feel wanted and that everything is alright. I’ve so much to offer and so little chances to express it. And I know the reason to all your actions, or inactions for that matter, is that I’m not that special somebody. I’ve accepted it, but I can’t get over the lack of effort of you even trying, or making it worthwhile while it lasts. Baby it’s hard for me open up, talk to me so I can talk to you. I know a lot of times you don’t know because I pretend I don’t care or I don’t ask for “special treatment”, but the indignity of asking is overbearing, and as much as I hang out with guys and supposedly understand their way of thinking, I’m just a girl, asking for some quality time with her boo…. I’m just a girl…

It’s a blizzard outside. The TD bank phone line is playing Stevie Wonder’s “Knocks Me Off My Feet” as I wait for a customer rep. It’s a pathetic fallacy. Everything I do I’m reminded of how I feel, as desperately as I’m trying to distract myself. I’m in way deeper than I thought I would, or should I say – I’m feeling more that I’ve allowed myself to feel. This little virtual space is all I’ve got, where I can pour out every boring detail of my life. I don’t have to be nice because I feel obliged, I can be truthful without considering others’ feelings, I don’t have to pretend to be smart, I don’t need to impress…Here I’m just another sad girl with a small tale, baring my heart to the strangers who passed by, or not even anybody. Truth is – I’ve never been happier, I can’t say it’s love, but it almost feels like I’m in love. And I’m not the kind of person who carry the word “love” lightly. The blossom from nothingness to something meaningful makes it very hard to let go. To know the expiration date, that the end is approaching, is all the more agonizing. If only this flood of tears can wash away the sorrow… I want…need a hug, a wholesome, everything-is-alright kind of hug, a neverending GOOD hug. :broken:

My heart bleeds to come to realize something I’ve known all along. It hurts regardless of the measure I’ve taken to prepare myself for this. I’m not a big believer of fate – there’re many things that’re certainly within our control, but fate can really play a cruel game sometimes. Here I am, in search of somebody who sees the world in me, and there he is – yet I just don’t feel the same way. Instead I dug myself a hole, right into the dead end, and for what reason? – Companionship, “just because”, or simply bored? It’s scary to explore these unknown feelings, and try to interpret them. I’m sure I’m not alone, yet at this very moment it feels like I’m the only one in such predicament. Am I expecting too much? I’m slowly losing grip of everything I hold dear… Someone please call 911, my heart is aching…

It has been 10 days since I last posted – I’ve failed to notify any friends about the existence of this little world, until JUST now =) The past week and a half flew by so fast that I’m just catching my breath now. I concluded that I really like SKULE – being in an atmosphere with all my favorite people is fanta-bulous, despite of all the work we’re all about to face. I’ve scheduled myself to so many activites already that I’m actually excited about school. Anyway, once again, whatever that was on my mind escaped from me somewhere along the way when I was trying to figure out how I’m going to fit everything (that means family, friends, social life, oh and schoolwork) together for the coming year. That and when I was being lazy and laid around at res, bidding my time away. But I’m just putting something up for now to make it a habit so I’ll post asap next time around. Ciao mate! ps. a few great pictures from HHF!